Gotham City 32771 — Eric Pfeffinger

(Enter COMMISSIONER GORDON.)COP: Evening, Commissioner.GORDON: Looks like we're late to the party, Officer.COP: Yep, nothing to see here.GORDON: So what do we got?COP: Seems to have been some kind of an altercation. Two guys got into it, the one over here ended up dead. The other guy's right here...GORDON: Oh, no. Not him again.COP: What, you know this guy?GORDON: Just another one of these pain-in-the-ass vigilantes running around my city.COP: Oo, you mean Batman?GORDON: No, not Batman.COP: Green Lantern?GORDON: Uh-uh.COP: ...Bat-Girl?GORDON: This guy look like a Bat-Girl to you? No, this is a new one. Calls himself...HERO: (guttural, gravelly) I'm Zimmer-Man.GORDON: I told you last time, Zimmer-Man, you can knock it off with this stuff, we've got the law enforcement thing covered.HERO: Listening to sound advice isn't one of my superpowers, Commissioner.GORDON: So what is it this time, Zimmer-Man? Another skinny kid with Skittles and Arizona Iced Tea?HERO: Worse. This one was packing Rolos and a Snapple. They're escalating.COP: Who's escalating?HERO: Don't have all the facts yet but I'm calling them the Sugar-High Gang. They get all hopped up on sucrose and corn syrup and you don't know what they're gonna do.GORDON: So, let me guess, this guy attacked you...?HERO: Attacked me. Right. Attacked me real bad.GORDON: And I don't suppose you provoked this at all.HERO: No. I'm Zimmer-Man. What happened was, I was cruising along in my Zimmer-Mobile...COP: That looks like a Ford Festiva.HERO: Anyway, I spotted this guy and immediately he seemed suspicious.GORDON: Suspicious how?HERO: Just didn't seem like he belonged. Not very belongy. Like, at all. Plus, he was walking so casually. Leisurely. I don't trust anyone who's so casual and leisurely and without sufficient belongitude.GORDON: Did the subject appear to notice that you were following him?HERO: Yes! And then he started acting really nervous.GORDON: Imagine that.HERO: So I called it in to the police, y'know, like you've asked me to do...GORDON: Actually I've asked you to stop doing this sort of thing altogether.HERO: Remembering stuff isn't one of my superpowers, Commissioner Gavin.GORDON: Gordon.HERO: See?COP: What'd you say when you called it in?HERO: Usual stuff: "these fucking punks," you know, "these assholes always get away," typical small talk.GORDON: Sounds like you'd really made your mind up about this guy.HERO: Hello, did I not tell you about the casualness? So then the operator asked me "Are you following him?" And I said "Yeah," and she said, "Okay, we don't need you to do that."GORDON: But you did it anyway, didn't you?HERO: She didn't tell me not to do it; she said I didn't need to do it.GORDON: So splitting hairs is one of your superpowers, then.HERO: Maybe. If that's a cool thing. Point is, that's what being a hero is all about: I do the things nobody needs me to do.GORDON: You certainly do.HERO: But actually, instead, what I did was, I got out of the car to look for some street signs to find out where we were. So I could tell the operator.GORDON: Don't you live around here?HERO: Directions aren't one of my superpowers. So I get out of the car, looking for signs, and out of nowhere this guy jumps me and starts beating me up.GORDON: Really.HERO: That's right.GORDON: This unarmed kid, who I imagine we're going to find out yet again has no record of violent crime, just decided to attack a stranger and beat him up?HERO: Yep.GORDON: Huh.HERO: Plausibility isn't one of my superpowers.GORDON: So I imagine what happened next was...HERO: I shot 'im.GORDON: You —. Of course you did.COP: You want I should cuff this guy, Commissioner?GORDON: No point, I imagine. I assume no one saw what happened here, Zimmer-Man, apart from you and him?HERO: Just the two of us, Commissioner.GORDON: No one at all who can offer a competing version of events and who hasn't been killed? By, y'know, you?HERO: Nopers.GORDON: Figures. All right. Looks like even though you did something awful, it doesn't mean we can sentence you to prison for it.HERO: Yay me!GORDON: You've pretty much managed somehow to walk the narrow territory between abhorrent and illegal.HERO: That's my superpow—!GORDON: Yeah, no, I just got it, even as I was saying that I, yeah. But listen, seriously, I mean it: stop doing this, okay? Just, y'know, knock it off.HERO: I hear you, Commissioner, and we're on the same page. Just one question: wondered if you might want to work with me to set up like a Zimmer-Signal, let me know when you need my help with creepy outsider weirdos walking around suspiciously with or without snack foods? Like a big light or something, maybe just like a penlight with a—?GORDON: No!HERO: Hey. I'm just a legally armed upstanding citizen, Commissioner, keeping an eye out for fucking punks on the streets.COP: Yeesh, Batman doesn't talk like that.HERO: Batman's a thug. He wears a hoodie. Zimmer-Man out!GORDON: I'm getting too old for this shit.