The Gospel According to White Jesus

"And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white... You know, I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure; that’s a verifiable fact."  -- Megyn Kelly, Fox News

Now when He saw the crowds, He went up on a mountainside and sat down, taking care not to crease his flat-front khakis.  His disciples came to Him, and He said "I'd really prefer to do this as a Q&A on Reddit, but okay."  And He began to teach them saying:

Blessed are the bean-grinders, for they shall buy free trade.

Blessed are those who hunger for Chipotle, for lo there shall be leftovers.

Blessed are those who rock not too hard, for they shall enjoy the National.

Blessed are the dogwalkers because Lucas and Madison swore they'd take care of it if we got one but just guess what happened.

Blessed are the physicians for they shall be the prescribers of antidepressants and the holidays are coming up.

Blessed are the valets for parking can be a nightmare around here.

Blessed are the photo-takers for they put your baby in an old-timey basket and who would think of that kind of thing but it's soooo cute.

Blessed are the meth-makers because Breaking Bad, right?

Blessed are the black people for sometimes their hair is just the coolest.

Blessed are the face-painters because Go Buckeyes.

Blessed are the gunmakers, for they shall inherit the Congress.

Blessed are the children for without them who would we get to name Jared and Jude and Jasper?

Blessed are the grief counselors because I'm still getting over Lou Reed.

Blessed are the salespeople for I didn't think Anthropologie had this in my size but then she found one in the back.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil about your "entitlement."  Rejoice and be glad, because great shall be your rewards in Whole Foods and yours will be the satisfaction of victimhood.