General Protection — Eric Pfeffinger

Are you an elected official? Maybe a president? Do you pick fights, say dumb stuff, tell lies, belittle minorities, or disrespect troops? But you don't like it when people criticize you? Then you need General Protection!

With your subscription to General Protection you receive one or more former military generals whose gravitas, moral authority, and no-nonsense prestige you can appropriate as your own, just as easily as slipping on a pair of teeny tiny golf gloves. General Protection is easy to install and easy to use! Prop your guy in front of the cameras and then just sit back and watch your approval ratings rise – or at least plummet a little more slowly – with every gruff, world-weary word out of his mouth.

We have packages for every financial situation. There’s our bare-bones economy level: a portable, inflatable one-star fella who bobs silently and supportively behind you (also ideal for car dealerships). Or maybe you need our elite package: a no-nonsense four-star man who'll step up to the podium and mortgage his hard-earned honor to defend your ego. We've got you covered. And our generals will never turn on you, no matter how ludicrous and demeaning your demands — the same dogged sense of loyalty and patriotism that drove them to sacrifice nobly for our country will also compel them to affirm your sad, soft, petty ass. They just can't help it, apparently. And for a little extra we can arrange for your generals to have complicated and painful personal experiences you may exploit for your own purposes.

(And make sure you sign up for our General-of-the-Month club; these guys have impeccable credibility, but under normal operating conditions, it'll run out fast. Just call us when his stature drains away – we'll pick up your old tarnished and corrupted model and replace it with a brand new one — no hassle for you!)

General Protection: because integrity doesn't come cheap — generally speaking! Operators are standing by. Call now! THAT'S AN ORDER! Ha-ha, not really, our generals are retired and the military doesn't have authority over the civilian population anyway. But seriously: call now, that's an order.