A brief documentary:
NARRATOR
Remember that time Mitt and his buddies held down a school chum and cut off his hair?
ROMNEY
I participated in a lot of hijinks and pranks in high school. Might've gone a little too far once in a while, but hey. It was all in fun. We were all just having fun. Some of us it was more the screaming-and-crying kind of fun, but. There are lots of, uh. Different funs.
NARRATOR
And how about that time he put his dog in a cage on the roof of his car?
ROMNEY
More hijinks. Also monkeyshines. I said to Seamus, I said, "Hey, fella, want a treat? Doggie treat? Okay, it's on the house!" He just bounded right up on the car roof and I was like SLAM! Gotcha! He was all, "huh?" You shoulda seen his face. By the time we got to Canada it was like(stretched back face)Classic Seamus. He was like, "Ya got me, Mitt. Good one." Or he woulda been like that. If he talked. Crazy times. In retrospect, the "on the house" thing woulda been funnier if the cage had been on the roof of the house instead of the car. That part I'd do over, probably. It's a process, hijinks are a process. You're always learning.
NARRATOR
And Romney's time with Bain Capital? Just one nutty prank after another.
ROMNEY
Shenanigans. Nonstop shenanigans and tomfoolery. We'd go in and be like "Hey, GS Industries, what's up, we're gonna buy you and fix you up, we'll all make lots of money" and they'd be like "Sure!" -- priceless -- then after it was all over and we had all the money and they'd fired like a thousand people and were in bankruptcy court they'd look around and be like "Waaaaaait a second... you guys!!" Oh! Oh! Hysterical. Gimme a second, it's just -- ah!
NARRATOR
Moreover...
ROMNEY
Wait wait. And remember Ampad? That was total horseplay and canootenizing. We shut down that plant in Indiana, made a couple million, and the workers get there in the morning -- they're holding their, their, their, their, their, their little lunchboxes -- and they're like "Hold on!" "What the--?" "Romney!" They're like "Got us again, we're gonna get you for this, Willard!" Oo hoo hoo. Escapades and skylarking. It's too much.
NARRATOR
But this is just one facet of --
ROMNEY
Oh oh oh! And did you see the debate? The debate last week with the president? At the very last minute, like seconds before I went on stage, I thought: “What if I pretend to be the exact opposite of the guy I’ve been for the past eight months? Different plans, different beliefs, total opposite day?” And so -- I did it. Just -- because! I’m crazy like that. Obama was like “Whaaaaat’s going on here...?”(whispering:)Dude. I punked the president. What what!(dissolves into giggles.)
With the extravagantly talented Andy Cobb, I helped write this comical video. I also live in Ohio. It's possible I may be experiencing some self-loathing.But, y'know, consider the math here: figure how many Ohioans have already made up their minds about the election, then subtract the ones who aren't going to vote, then the ones who are going to run into a deer driving to the polling place, and in the end the leadership of this enormous country is going to be determined by a small detachment of indecisive mall-walkers in Dayton.