Insane in the Meme Bain

The time: the year 2000.  The place: a guy’s office.  He places a phone call.  Someone answers:MITT:  Good morning, Bain Capital.GUY: Hi there.  I was calling to speak with the CEO?MITT:  This is the CEO.GUY:  Terrific.  So look: I’m just calling because I’m working on a project and I was hoping to get some numbers...MITT:  Let me stop you right there ‘cause I’d hate to waste your time.  For answers like that I’m afraid you’d need to talk to the CEO.GUY:  I--.  Oh.  Sorry, I--.  But aren’t you the CEO?MITT:  Me?  Oh ho ho ho.  Goodness, no.  No, no.  Wouldn’t that be something, though.GUY:  O--kay, but... didn’t you just say that you were the...?MITT:  Did I?  No.  I don’t think so.  No, I didn’t say that.  Almost certainly not.GUY:  Okay, then, could I please speak with the CEO?MITT:  Speaking!GUY:  So... you are the CEO?MITT:  Yessir.  Last time I checked, yep.GUY:  ...Okay, then, I was wondering if I...MITT:  Oops, hang on, just checked again -- nope.  Uh-uh.  Definitely not the CEO.  Sorry about that.GUY:  You’re not the CEO.MITT:  Not even a little bit.GUY:  Tell you what -- could I talk to the president of Bain instead?MITT:  Absolutely.  Terrific guy, you’ll love him.  Let me transfer you.GUY:  Thank you.Beeps, clicks, ringing.  Then:MITT:  Hello, Bain Capital!GUY:  ...Aren’t you... the guy I... was just talking to?MITT:  Am I?  Hard to say!GUY:  And you’re -- president of Bain Capital?MITT:  President?  Oh gosh no.  I’m just the lowly CEO.GUY:  So you are the CEO.MITT:  Absolutely.GUY:  You’re sure?MITT:  Positive.GUY:  -- Seriously, you’re sure?MITT:  My friend, I think I know who I am, gosh.GUY:  Okay, so as the CEO...MITT:  President.GUY:  Sorry?MITT:  President.GUY:  Not CEO.MITT:  Don’t think so.GUY:  Can’t you be both?MITT:  You tell me.  Can light be both a particle and a wave?GUY:  -- Can’t it?MITT:  I’m asking you.  Gee, I’m no scientist.  I’m just a simple CEO.GUY:  You are the CEO!MITT:  Or president, whatever.GUY:  Different approach, here.  Could I just talk to a managing member of Bain Capital Investors?MITT:  Speaking!GUY:  -- Or someone else entirely, maybe?MITT:  You bet, friend.  Let me just transfer you.Beeps, clicks.MITT:  Hello, Bain Capital!GUY:  Look, I just wanted to talk to the CEO...MITT:  I’m afraid if you want to talk to him I’m going to have to transfer you back to myself.GUY:  So you are the CEO!!MITT:  I was.  I just retroactively resigned.GUY:  Retroactive to when?MITT:  To the beginning of this phone conversation.  Paperwork just went through.GUY:  So this conversation never even happened?MITT:  Oh, it happened.  Silly.  But you had it with someone else entirely.GUY:  Who’d I have it with?MITT:  Beats me, fella!  I wasn’t here!GUY:  So you’re the CEO of Bain Capital.MITT:  Yes.  Absolutely not.GUY:  And instead you’re the president.MITT:  Yes.  I was. Until you asked that question.  Now not so much.GUY:  And -- who am I?MITT:  I don’t know.BOTH:  Third base!Fin.

Playwriting Tips and Handy Hints

* Writing stage directions that can't be staged is sooo five minutes ago.  What are all the cool kids doing now?  Stage directions that can't even be written.  Go!* Parenthetical adverbs attached to your dialogue is a bad idea because it tells actors there's only one acceptable way to say the line.  Leave them out.  There's still only one acceptable way to say the line, of course, but now the actor doesn't know what it is.  Their destabilization shifts the power dynamic in your favor.  Which is to say: now you'll have something to silently resent the actors for when they get it wrong.  And we treasure our silent resentments.* Silences tell you story.  They also make it easier to get to eighty pages, especially if you signify silences with lots of hard returns.* Beckett envied composers because music was never condemned to explicitness.  So slip the bonds of explicitness.  Write without nouns.* Talkback, shmalkback: an audience's reactions during a reading tell you everything you need to know about a play.  Watch for subtle nonverbal cues like: sleeping, eye-rolling, watch-checking, leaving, seizures, projectiles.* You may dread the fate of being developed to death.  But there are worse things.  Like being flayed, for instance.  Or tickled.  Perspective!* Base your work on people you know.  It's soooo much easier than making stuff up.  Plus: the fewer friends you have, the more time you have to write.  Win/win.* Artistic directors and literary managers just don't read new scripts any more.  Save your time and money and just send your plays to the people you know will probably look at them.  You've got your mom's address; use it.* When a theater politely passes on your script, they very much want to hear about your resulting feelings of hostility and despair.  They went into the theater.  They love drama.  Give it to them.  Everybody wins.* Write every day.  No writing time is wasted.  Unless you write something bad.  In which case, yeah, you probably should've done the laundry or spent time with your kids or something.