And the Privilege Goes To...

LOS ANGELES - The Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced today that, beginning next year, they would hereby re-brand the Academy Awards as the White Guy Oscars.

"We're proud of what we've accomplished in recent years," said spokesman Rick Joshua.  "But from this point forward we're going to play to our strengths.  And our strengths are pretty much male and, y'know, white."

Reached by one of those old-timey wooden wall-mounted telephones on the set of his next picture, director Wes Anderson said "I can only think this is going be a good thing for me."

Responding to criticisms that the change would unacceptably limit the scope of the films recognized by the Academy, Joshua said nothing could be further from the truth.  "The Oscars will continue to celebrate the whole glorious rainbow of human experience," he said, "from pink to peach to light tan."

Indeed, Joshua said, the tighter focus will free the awards to acknowledge accomplishments in a variety of kinds of movies.  "We might now have room for specialized categories to recognize male actors playing difficult-but-brilliant figures in true stories and biopics," he explained, "as opposed to the ones playing difficult-but-brilliant dudes in stories that are totally made up."

Joshua also dismissed charges that the movies eligible for the new awards would present a skewed or limited vision of reality.  "We'll still be able to reward all kinds of stories about human endeavors throughout history," he said.  "We could still recognize great performances like Gene Hackman's as the white guy who helps with civil rights in Mississippi Burning, for instance, or Anthony Hopkins as the white guy who helps with slavery in Amistad.  Yay, diversity!"

The Academy does acknowledge that some kinds of roles might tend to fall through the cracks.  "We might not be seeing a lot of terrorists, probably," said Joshua. "Gardeners.  Martial arts experts.  Or benevolent magical advisors conveying the wisdom of the ages.  But nobody can do everything.  There's plenty of room for other kinds of work to get covered by a, I don't know, like a, a, a — brown Oscars?  Any chance we can not print that last thing I said?"

And Joshua was quick to contradict the impression that there would be no place for women in the new system.  "We'll still have a Best Supporting Actress category," he said.  "To celebrate performers who've done exceptional work as wives and girlfriends and fiancées and well-groomed prostitutes and other supporty kinds of roles."

Asked whether there would be room in the new Oscars to acknowledge the work of women directors, Joshua looked momentarily confused and said, "I'm not 100% sure that women direct movies.  Could someone check on that for me...?  I'm just not 100% sure that's a thing."

Joshua also confirmed that among the new rules would be a perpetual annual nomination for Bradley Cooper, whether he makes a movie or not.  "I mean, why not just do away with the stress and ambiguity of wondering every year?  That guy is awesome."